The Struggle

This is probably the busiest time of year for me at work. Everything seems to hit at one time, and I feel like I am barely manage to keep my head above water. Actually, right about now, I feel about six inches under the water. I know it will all work out in the end. I know I will get it all done in time. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. And when I'm overwhelmed, I do one of two things. Procrastinate or eat. Which made it very bad timing for a Ben and Jerry's special.

This week I've felt grumpy. Irritable. Annoyed. Yeah, I am a walking picnic to be around. So I'm trying to focus myself and my goals into manageable chunks. I am going to write a lot of little "To Do" lists. I like to keep them on tiny papers so I can throw them away when I'm finished. If you start with a big long list, you have to keep that sucker for ages. A teeny post-it with three things? Bam, it's in the trash in a day. I'm also going to keep positive things in the scope of my week. It's important to have something to look forward to. Like on Tuesday, I will have a piece of chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. It would be rude not to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday without a piece of cake. I guess I'll have to get bigger post-its. I will now have to include "Go To The Gym" on each one.

Still cranky

Giving the state assessments is not hard. You read the directions. The kids do all the work. Monotonous? Yes. Hard? No. So why do educated adults have to make it so difficult? People get sick and they call in a sub. Sure, that happens. Don't blame me. So when I have to ask someone to fill in, how freaking hard is it to do that? Would it kill you to just say 'ok' instead of bemoaning that they haven't done this before, they aren't sure what to do, or otherwise complaining?? All you do is read the directions. You took a quiz on this. You watched someone do the exact same thing for the past two days. It's the same thing you've watched for the past 10+ years. Are you experiencing a mental break or just being a pain in the ass?

I really should be quarantined during state testing. I am miserable to be around. I try not to spew venom. It's a challenge. I get so pissed I lose the ability to be sarcastic. It's that bad. Luckily, the worst is over. Just in time. I'm starting to annoy myself.

Cranky Teenager

Anyone in education will tell you how ridiculous standardized tests are. We have to take an online quiz to administer them. Seriously? Seriously? Can't I just read the directions in the booklet? Then we get the joy of watching students take the test. For close to three hours each day. We can't look through the book. We can't look at their answers. We can't complete any meaningful work. So I'm hoping to log my 10,000 steps by lunchtime. I have 6,000 and it's only 10 am!

This is enough to make anyone cranky. I'm cranky. It's just not a fun time. And to make it worse, I'm feeling like a whiny teenager. Jose is traveling to Vegas for work from Tuesday until Saturday. Because of the time difference and difference in schedules, I might not even get to talk to him this week. I know this sounds ridiculous. I'm a grown woman. But I'm going to miss him. Even if it's just the chance to bust his ass for something. Or talk to him before he collapses at 8:00 pm (what adult goes to bed this early?). I know he gets up at 4:30 in the morning by choice, but I still think it's unnatural. So I tell him that. Like all ridiculous things, this won't be the end of the world. But I'm still going to complain about it.

A milestone

While this might seem unimportant to some, a significant event happened this weekend. Jose let me drive his car. It was only to the car wash, then the tennis courts but it was monumental. His car is his baby. He would rather drive his daughter's car to avoid bad weather and excess miles for his Acura. I had been busting his ass for some time about letting me drive his car. I realized weeks ago that would be the true test. Only when I drove his car would I know that he trusted me. I say that in jest, but only partly. It was fun to mention it, then see him cringe. It gave me the chance to get dramatic and lament that he didn't really care about me, that I wasn't as important as his car, or that he didn't trust me.

I've learned a lot about him through the car buying process. I see cars as purely functional. I want something reliable, durable, safe. There is still a cuteness factor where I want it to look nice and NOT be an avocado green Chevy Nova. Maybe this is a Mars vs. Venus thing. I want the respect of the salesperson. I need that validation and if you call me "honey", I'm not buying a car from you. Cars serve a purpose. I need to get to work, go the grocery store, drive to Target. It is a means to an end.

Cars are a luxury item for Jose. He wants the bells and whistles. I just want it to have a radio. He wants the style and prestige. I want it to start on a cold morning. The design of the dash, the small nuances of engineering changes, the variations of options available- all those things excite him. I like having a cup holder.

While I was car shopping, we wouldn't even be close to a test drive and he was asking about what color it came in. Nice way to play it cool! I was perfectly fine getting info and walking away. He would have signed his name in a heartbeat if you handed him a pen. He felt guilty for the Honda guy when I decided I was getting another Rav4. The only part I felt bad about was that the Honda guy was wearing a herringbone jacket with a vertical stripe shirt and a horizontal stripe tie. I think I got a good deal. That was my goal. Jose wants everyone to be happy.

True confession time: I did get heated seats. I know that negates everything I just wrote about function vs luxury. I try to play it off as a medical need. When you use heated seated, that little bit of warmth helps to avoid lower back stiffness. That sounds like a good story, but really I just like having a butt warmer.

Exhausting

Saturday was a busy day. We met my sister and her husband for breakfast. I found it puzzling that Jose was so worried about meeting them. He seems so at ease talking to people. Maybe he was just concerned they wouldn't like him. Then I went car shopping. Having him as the 'person with someone car shopping', I think assumptions were made. The first salesperson referred to him as 'hubby' and asked if the car would be registered in one name or two. (It didn't help that at one point, Jose made the statement "we have dogs".) The next sales guy didn't go so far. Well, not in words. Stopping by Vanity Fair reminded me that he has an eye for picking out clothes (thankfully mostly conservative). That night, we talked about possible vacation ideas for the summer. We looked at cruises. Nothing more than a five day cruise, which all leave from Florida. I was the one who brought it up. I love cruising, and the thought of it brought hope for warmer weather, the need for icy drinks and bathing suits.

And then I started to think. I couldn't fall asleep that night thinking about it. We all know by now, this can be dangerous. What ifs crept back in. I hate that. Things are going splendidly. We still laugh. A lot. He wasn't scared away by stories my sister told. Even the part where she shared that I am high maintenance and then made him write down his full name and date of birth for a background check. I'm still hoping she is kidding. I send him home with food which makes him very happy and I'm not tempted to eat it all. He is supportive of me going to Weight Watchers and I don't mind if that he sneaks in work email over the weekend.

So what is it about the thought of planning this trip? It might be the money. It's a pretty big investment, probably close to $1000. Granted, I'd only need to put down $50 that is nonrefundable. Losing the money isn't what I'm afraid of. You can always make more money. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose something more important. This is totally irrational. I am admitting that this is not logical at all. But if the cruise isn't scheduled, then it can't be cancelled. And I won't have a reminder that I am NOT going on a wonderful vacation with him if something happens and we're not together this summer. But if we plan something more casual, like a few days at the beach- that isn't devastating to cancel. Where is this self-preservation mode coming from? I am going to have to tell him that I'm freaking out a little and even though I brought it up, I can't follow through and book a cruise right now. I am going to have to tell him I am crazy. I guess this is baggage I'm not quite ready to unpack. The silver lining? I'm hoping to unpack that baggage in time to pack for a summer vacation.

Do something daring

Do I dare? Do I go out on a limb? I'm considering something bold, almost radical. Should I change my facebook status to "in a relationship"?

It is a social media society. Proclaiming this on facebook would be sharing it with all my closest friends and relatives. And the distant ones too. And some people who are barely friends. But they are facebook friends, so that counts right.

Here is the risk. It's been five and a half weeks. He's successfully met my friends. He met my sister but only by accident. He spends weekends at my house. And the occasional snow day but there aren't going to be any more of those this season. There better not be. But it's only been five and a half weeks. I'm still counting it in weeks for pity's sake. That is way to early to announce it.

But talk of a vacation was mentioned again. We're planning to take a small trip together. That is something that only people in a relationship do. Isn't it? We talked about him meeting my parents. He talked about me meeting his. Although that was mostly in jest since his family lives in Peru.

Then the little voice of pessimism chimes in. It's not that often and not that loud, but it is there. It says that something might go wrong. I'm not living in fear of this. In fact, I barely even think of it. Mostly, I only hear it when I think about changing my status on facebook. So I guess it's best to leave things as is. I'm not that daring. For now.

I goofed.

An opportunity presented itself and I messed up. I panicked. Choked. Someone I went to high school with saw us in the parking lot when we went to breakfast on Sunday. While a nice girl, I hadn't seen her in 25 years and I really didn't need to say more than a hello. Before I could escape, she said, "Is this your husband?" I was so caught off guard, my response was pitiful. "No, this is Jose."

As soon as the words escaped my lips, I wanted to suck them back into my mouth. We quickly went into introductions, hand shakes, 'oh, I bet your boys keep you busy', blah, blah, blah. But the damage was done. As much as I tried to defend myself, it almost made it worse. Calling someone a boyfriend sounds so high school. Boyfriend/Girlfriend doesn't sound right after the age of 32. We're adults, not kids who met at a bar. What does that leave me? This is the man I'm seeing? That sounds like we just hooked up. My friend? That is dreadful. Significant other? Pass.

The good news is that Jose laughed about it. He understood the awkward and unexpected dilemma I was thrown into with little warning. More importantly he knows how I feel about him. That didn't stop him from using it to tease me all afternoon.

The better news is that he laughs about a lot of things I do. We were walking around Target after breakfast. Getting over a cold, you would think I would have tissues with me at all times. Nope. And my nose started to run. So he reached into his pocket and handed me a napkin. I smooth it out and instead of saying something like,'oh thank you' or 'you're so sweet', or even 'you're so prepared', what do I say? "You're giving me a used napkin?" (For the record, he hadn't used it to blow his nose.) Thank goodness, he laughed. Just like when I picked up a few things at the grocery store. He unloaded everything onto the kitchen table and neatly folded the bags to put away. Then left it all there. Orange juice, yogurt, cauliflower, creamer- right on the table. So I called out, since by this time he was back in the living room in front of the TV, "don't worry, I'll put it away in the fridge." As he came back in the kitchen, he was laughing, not scowling. Lucky for me. As long as we both keep laughing.