Exhausting

Saturday was a busy day. We met my sister and her husband for breakfast. I found it puzzling that Jose was so worried about meeting them. He seems so at ease talking to people. Maybe he was just concerned they wouldn't like him. Then I went car shopping. Having him as the 'person with someone car shopping', I think assumptions were made. The first salesperson referred to him as 'hubby' and asked if the car would be registered in one name or two. (It didn't help that at one point, Jose made the statement "we have dogs".) The next sales guy didn't go so far. Well, not in words. Stopping by Vanity Fair reminded me that he has an eye for picking out clothes (thankfully mostly conservative). That night, we talked about possible vacation ideas for the summer. We looked at cruises. Nothing more than a five day cruise, which all leave from Florida. I was the one who brought it up. I love cruising, and the thought of it brought hope for warmer weather, the need for icy drinks and bathing suits.

And then I started to think. I couldn't fall asleep that night thinking about it. We all know by now, this can be dangerous. What ifs crept back in. I hate that. Things are going splendidly. We still laugh. A lot. He wasn't scared away by stories my sister told. Even the part where she shared that I am high maintenance and then made him write down his full name and date of birth for a background check. I'm still hoping she is kidding. I send him home with food which makes him very happy and I'm not tempted to eat it all. He is supportive of me going to Weight Watchers and I don't mind if that he sneaks in work email over the weekend.

So what is it about the thought of planning this trip? It might be the money. It's a pretty big investment, probably close to $1000. Granted, I'd only need to put down $50 that is nonrefundable. Losing the money isn't what I'm afraid of. You can always make more money. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose something more important. This is totally irrational. I am admitting that this is not logical at all. But if the cruise isn't scheduled, then it can't be cancelled. And I won't have a reminder that I am NOT going on a wonderful vacation with him if something happens and we're not together this summer. But if we plan something more casual, like a few days at the beach- that isn't devastating to cancel. Where is this self-preservation mode coming from? I am going to have to tell him that I'm freaking out a little and even though I brought it up, I can't follow through and book a cruise right now. I am going to have to tell him I am crazy. I guess this is baggage I'm not quite ready to unpack. The silver lining? I'm hoping to unpack that baggage in time to pack for a summer vacation.