Lighter

My Reiki session was one week ago. While I didn't feel an earth shattering during the session, I am definitely interested in having another session.

We started out with a bit of a Reiki class.  We went over the chakras and what they represent, how it would manifest in day to day living. Then we got down to it. I wanted to be able to veg out and let my friend.....fix me. I had to be more present than I expected. As I lay on the table, it didn't take long until I felt like my hands were falling asleep. But not pins and needles, more of a pulsing feeling. So I wiggled my fingers and twitched my arms a little. I thought to myself "what kind of shape am I in if I can't even lie flat without problems"? Then it dawned on me. I only felt that pulsating feeling when she was doing the Reiki. When she stopped, my hands felt normal. All the other parts of the session were interesting but nothing life changing. So leaving the session, I felt similar to how I felt before starting.

I had very vivid dreams that night. Not necessarily pleasant ones, but they were very detailed. I was in Manhattan getting tickets to Broadway shows and theaters were half filled because people weren't venturing out as much (all of this is fiction because Broadway is still dark). So we could pick any row to sit in, and move around if we wanted.  We also could enter other shows (which were in progress?) and watch the end of those shows. Weirdness. And for the really weird part, the other people I was with were falling ill and we needed to get three ambulances for them. While completely unrelated to Reiki, it was a stressful dream.

The next day, exhaustion consumed me. Donna checked in with me and I said I was fine because I didn't want to draw attention or feel pity. It might have been self pity I was fighting.  I couldn't work out, I needed a nap, I didn't feel like doing anything. I tried to blame it on other factors. I now I feel like the only attribution would be shifting energy. 

What I've noticed this week, I feel like I'm not as slumped over. I've felt like I needed to work on my posture for months but I was blaming  the chair I had to use working from home. When I drove my car, I imagined I looked curved like a shrimp. Now I am sitting up straighter without having to consciously think about it. My shoulders feel like a weight has been lifted. I don't make this statement lightly. My breathing feels less restricted and easier. I feel less conflict about my life situation. I still have more work to do, and I think Reiki will be a part of it. But for now, I'll enjoy feeling lighter. 

Drastic times call for drastic measures

I'm a science girl. The scientific method should rule most decision making.  I like data to support hypotheses. So when Eastern practices are brought into play, I don't really know how to act.  You can believe what you want, but I'll stick to science.

Then you near the year anniversary when your life changed dramatically.  Anniversary makes it sound like something to celebrate, which it is not.  Having your husband tell you he wants a divorce is not a celebratory moment. Although in hindsight, while devastating, there were signs of a dysfunctional relationship that I ignored and rationalized as normal. Everything has worked out for the best, but I'm still feeling a bit emotionally dead inside.  The basics are okay- happy, sad, bored (pandemic and all). Some of the more complex- trusting, connected, loved- those are trouble spots. What most troubling is that I'm starting to doubt if I need those in my life. So I need to do something. Anything.

Enter Reiki. A friend of mine from ages ago- as in the word teen was still involved in saying my age- posted that she is a a Reiki master.  Kundalini Reiki to be specific, not that I know what that is. She mentioned putting the past behind you and going forward to your best life. I was sold. So I set up an appointment with her.  What's the worst that can happen?

 What to expect:  I can't even envision what happens in a Reiki session. I imagine lying on the ground and having someone wave their hands over me. I'm hoping that strong meditation isn't involved because when I've tried to meditate before, my mind wanders. Not just wanders, my mind takes a road trip. But I'm going to try it.

Why am I doing this:  I've got to do something. I'm action oriented. There are probably far more people that believe Reiki is healing and the way to go than people who think it is crap.  All those people who believe can't be wrong. I'm keeping an open mind but not telling my sister.  She is of the "it is crap" camp. I've imagined walking away from this experience feeling lighter. I would like to feel open and accepting.  And on the drive home, I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream, so it won't be a total loss of an evening. Don't worry, I'll report back.

Reality TV- A Judgement Call

During the pandemic of COVID-19, I discovered reality TV.  I had watched the odd marathon of Hoarders, but it was never something I consciously sought out. Specifically, TLC became my lifeline. Each week, I could hardly wait until 90 Day Fiance.  My 600 Pound Life fascinated me with the levels of denial and dysfunction. Dr. Pimple Popper was something to tide me over. Working as a medical assistant, I saw some real life pop-age, so it wasn't as novel to watch the show. This summer, sMothered makes me wonder how these adult women have never cut the cord from their own mothers.

90 Day Fiance is the series that really has me engrossed. It was amazing to me that there were seasons I missed and different variations (90 Day Fiance- The Other Way; Before the 90 Days, Happily Ever After?). Who knew? The thought processes of seemingly sane people was so irrational. I could sit on my sofa with my little dog (who likes to have his neck scratched for no less than three hours at a time) and judge their relationships. I could spot the pitfalls a mile a way. Hindsight is great like that. In a single episode, the desperation was palpable. The end result of each show was the same; a lot of drama, usually some yelling and storming off, and a sense of my own superiority.

Yes, I felt great about myself after each episode. Even when I watch Pillow Talk, I felt better about myself.  I didn't need to be co-dependent to feel worthwhile. People who are searching on another continent for someone to date must have some serious issues.  So that makes me seem so much more normal. I mean, my only issue is my nine pound dog who is overly attached to me and put his little canine cheek against my mouth to get kisses at night.

The thing that killed me each time someone got on a plane to fly across the world, there was usually a statement of "I'm finally meeting the love of my life".  I'm going to meet the love of my life- like it is a destination.  The ticket they booked had a layover in some random airport but the final destination was Love of My Life. But you know what, it never had a happy ending. There are a few, but the majority of couples implode long before the last week.

The number of couples that get pregnant in the early stages of their relationship boggles my mind.  Early- like the first month they are together. Uh, how did they NOT know that might happen?  I truly don't understand that. And of course, a baby doesn't stress a relationship to the brink. Someone you barely know, probably haven't lived with is now trying to establish work, a support network  and now you are trying to raise a child together.  That is the recipe for drama and disappointment. And I should know, because I have no children, only the nine pound chihuahua mix who continues to steal my socks from the clean laundry before I put it way and cry with joy when he shows them to me.

You would think that all of this judgement would be exhausting. I'm amazed I have the energy to complete anything else during the day. And yet, I'm able to keep increasing my self-esteem at an alarming rate all the while making witty comments about the actions of others.

So here is the self-reflection for the day: All of this relationship watching, is this a signal that I'm considering venturing into the world of romantic relationships? To find the answer, I went to the ultimate source.  Match.com. Just reading profiles has me convinced that I'm not. I've said in the past that most profiles are looking for the same thing.  Men are looking for someone active, who likes what they like (be it motorcycles, skiing, hiking, cooking, going out to eat, shooting pool, NASCAR, running triathlons) but attractive, fit, funny, a good cook, a social butterfly.  They want a man with a vagina. They rarely look for someone witty, intelligent, ambitious, straight-forward, a little chubby.  Never do they ask for someone who works hard or gets shit done.  Because let me tell you, we are a rare breed. So until I read a profile of someone who is looking for that, I guess I'm not going on any dates.