Spinster

There's got to be a better word for it, but it all boils down to the same thing. Maybe I'm just destined to live by myself. And I'm not talking about for now. I mean by myself, for now, for later, for forever. Well, not by myself- I have my dogs and my sarcasm. That fills up a house fast. Forgive me while I wallow momentarily in self-pity.

My life could be far worse. I could be in an unhappy marriage. I think the reason I can look back on my divorce in hindsight is because even then, I could picture myself in a life I didn't want. I didn't want to end up a single mother, if only to a grown man. I didn't want to always be the responsible one, the one with discipline, the one to dole out consequences. So I don't want to be married just to be married. I could have had that.

I want someone to grow old with. Married, or not, I want someone next to me. Again, going back to my life is ruined by chick flicks-when someone wakes up next to me, I want them legally required to be there. Name that movie.

Each night, my foster dog Murray dives next to me in bed. That's not entirely true. Sometimes, he is in bed already and I have to push him aside to carve out some space for myself. Regardless, he likes to face me, usually with at least one paw touching me, as he falls asleep. I keep wishing I could find a man who wants that.

But maybe that isn't in the cards for me. Maybe I'm wasting all this time and energy in something that isn't going to be. And in the long run, my dogs and I will live happily every after.