What I miss

In addition to having trouble falling asleep, I have weird dreams. I will wake up and feel like my dreams were vivid and lengthy. My personal theory on dreams is based on a freshman psych class. It was the largest class I had at Bloomsburg, and there were about 600 of us in an auditorium. Well, there were 600 on the days we had tests. It was an 8 am class after all. Three professors split the lecturing and my favorite was a relatively young prof whose name escapes me at the minute. He was very animated, even in front of 600. He mentioned his theory on dreams and I developed my own adaptation to suit my needs. Dreams are a combination of things to me. Mainly, I think it is memories or thoughts that are distorted. No premonitions, no visions of the future, no miracle solutions for problems. There is also an aspect I believe about dreams being a manifestation of what we are feeling in our present life that we allow ourselves to express in our dreams. That would explain the dreams I have where I am an angry, screaming, ranting lunatic or ones where I am using weapons to destroy the enemy. I have more of the former than the latter. My theory doesn't explain why my dreams have included a lot of alcohol lately. More on that later.

Last night's dream is more of the wistful variety. I was with friends and we were at some kind of bar/hotel where there were multiple floors. Each floor had a different theme- sports bar, karaoke, music, restaurant. The friends were a mix of people that would never know each other in real life: people I graduated high school with, friends from work, a few cameos by friends from college. It was like my worlds colliding (to steal a phrase from Mary). I remember we were drinking and I was focused on my shoes. I had on high platform heels (which I never wear) and was concentrating on not falling. Which was hard, because we were drinking.  By the end of the night/end of the dream, Michele set me up with someone. He was someone who graduated with me from high school, but I can't really say we were friends. We were holding hands, and looking into each others eyes; very much first date behavior. But what I recall most, we were hugging. It was more than looking at an image of me hugging someone. It was like I could feel it. And when I woke up, it made me sad. The sad part- it felt so nice in the dream and it was only a dream. I've had similar kinds of dreams about some person I'm in a relationship with. With distinct clarity, I remember things like kissing, or holding hands, or watching a movie curled up on the couch.

I promise, I'm getting to my point. When I think about times I was in relationships, there are things that I miss. Everyone complains about spouses or significant others, or will share an exceptional example of a good deed (usually out of the ordinary) but we don't really talk about the pleasant, every day things that happen. Those are the things I miss. Like kissing someone when they walk in the door. Or hugging before you leave for the day. Apparently, I long for physical contact. Not in a weird, sexual way. Everyone in education has heard that you need a certain number of non-threatening touches to survive, and even more to thrive. I don't remember the specifics, but I know I'm not hitting the minimum.

Other things I miss sound ridiculous. I miss going some place and knowing I have someone with me. It's lonely knowing you are going home alone every time. I miss private jokes. Those secrets no one else understands are rare when you live with dogs. I miss conversations that happen when you are just about to fall asleep. Sleepy conversations when you almost feel like you are mumbling because you are drifting off to sleep are the most honest conversations. There is no filter then. I miss making dinner for someone. Or baking them cookies. Apparently, I was a housewife in the 50's in a previous life. I miss putting my hand on his knee. There is comfort there. But most of the time, I miss hugging more than anything.