Panic

In between awful allergy headaches yesterday, I had a revelation.  This revelation induced instant panic.  I don't know how to date.  I've been mulling over my dating and relationship past, in the hopes of learning from my past.  My past is cause for dating panic.

Let's review. 
High school- Coed group of friends in which most were not dating anyone.  A couple times one of the boys would date someone.  The girl would enter our circle.  Then disappear. We had a great time, and relationships weren't a focus. Not dating.

College- Hung out with roommates and sorority sisters. By the time I turned 21, my friends and I hung out at bars to play air hockey and make sarcastic comments about the other girls there.  Some of my less-than-moral friends hooked up on a regular basis. OK, not really dating but I still wasn't involved in that.  By senior year, I had a boyfriend (who eventually became the Fiancée, the Husband, then the Ex) so I didn't really think about dating.  He was 2+ hours away and I didn't see him much. 

My Twenties- Married, divorced, hurt. Teaching, grad school, comprehensive exams, new curricula, new jobs, selling the townhouse, moving to an apartment and after five months, moving to a different apartment.  Built major walls to shield my feelings. Who had time to date? My favorite term to avoid getting my feelings involved was that I was 'just hanging out' with someone.  It was so non-committal and perfect for what I wanted for myself.  It wasn't really true, but I wanted to believe that.  I used the Internet to meet people.  Chat rooms were new and exciting.  This led to Shane, Joe, Chuck.  Sort of dating, but that was a long time ago.  Chuck was the closest thing to dating- all five dates.  But I was in my 'just hanging out' phase and he wanted to find a relationship. Joe was arranging dates but I didn't want to admit that- since I never really admitted we were dating.

My Thirties- Relationship with Joe is nearing it's painful end.  Again.   The cycles of using Internet dating sites, going on various meetings for coffee, getting blown off, giving up, not wanting to date. Then the feeling of not wanting to be alone would set in.  And the cycle would continue   And I've tried them all.  Match.com?  I didn't.  Eharmony?  Not so harmonious.  Plenty of Fish?  Plenty of losers. 

That leaves me in my forties, with very vague memories of some dates. Other than dinner and a movie, I'm not good at coming up with ideas for dates.  I'm fearful that my idea will be seen as dumb.  Or pushy. Or that I'll be seen as boring.  I've always wanted to be one of those girls who could flirt, catch some one's attention and flip my hair with a laugh.  The reality: I am long past flipping my hair.  Everyone suggests to relax and be myself.  I've been myself for 40+ years and I'm still single.  That obviously hasn't worked. 

So now I'll learn how to date.  And you'll get to hear all about it.