For the Record

For the record, I am not freaking out. This is a major accomplishment for me. It took having a few people tell me in various ways that I need to just enjoy things as they progress. The support I found was reassuring. For the most part.  It was reassuring to hear that I should just relax. My least favorite way to hear this was, "You are crazy. This is what you wanted." I am totally enjoying all the cute stuff that is happening now. He holds my hand and touches my hair. I know that won't happen forever. He poured me a glass of orange juice. Never mind that I don't drink orange juice, he didn't know that, but what a nice gesture.

I am dropping my expectations, as opposed to lowering my standards. I did that before. That was how The Tool found his way into my social life and my bed. Thankfully that was short lived and I didn't make that same mistake again when he resurfaced a second time. I'm not expecting that this will fulfill my every fantasy nor end tragically. It's been so comfortable to be around him that I don't feel that tightening in the pit of my stomach while I'm waiting to hear from him.

The most important expectation that I have dropped is that I don't need to know how everything is going to turn out. I am releasing that aspect of my control freak self. I don't have to decide if I am selling my house and moving to York. The hour drive isn't going to be thought of as 'my future commute'.

Don't get me wrong, we're still learning a lot about each other. Like music. He had me listen to songs he likes. Some seemed slow to me and not my exact taste. I couldn't guess any of the 70's artists. There were some Spanish songs that sound folk-sy and I could translate a word or two (bailar, corazon). As he teaches me more Spanish, I'd probably like it better.  I played some music for him. He probably felt the same way. To point out something new, he says 'for the record'. For the record, I learned he likes orange juice with pulp. We talked basic finances, including the taboo salary question. He initiated the discussion. He looked at my closets and didn't leave the house screaming. He did say he can see some better ways to organize things. He's right, but at least he didn't start hanging the pile of sweatshirts in front of me. We still have a lot to learn. And lots of time to do just that. And I am not freaking out.

He is definitely a type A. I'm not but I am stubborn. So when he was helping to clear my driveway of ice, it drove him crazy that I don't shovel in straight lines. He took the shovel from me. And he felt compelled to neaten the edges I had shoveled from the last snow. Inside a little voice was speaking to me of judgement. It was like saying that what I had done wasn't right. (Seriously, I'm going to be offended about shoveling?) We all know it wasn't about shoveling, but about my decision of how to handle something. And an unspoken judgment how I handled it might have been the wrong way. And then a beautiful thing happened. I let it go. It was important to him to have it done in a way that he saw as properly, he wasn't asking me do anything and it was making a situation for me better, so let him do what he wants. I don't have to control this. He is shoveling my driveway, so good God, don't say a thing! And I didn't. And we were both fine.

For the record, he loves history. Me? Not so much a fan of history-boring. But he speaks with such passion and knowledge about it and isn't that what is most important? And his reference to The Iliad and The Odyssey made me swoon. He is teaching me Spanish. Ok, so our first lesson lasted about ten minutes, but ended with the word beso. For the record, that is just fine with me.