Forgiveness

I was reminded this weekend of the need for forgiveness.  That when I am holding negative feelings in my heart, I am the only one being punished. A few years ago, someone shared with me some interesting thoughts about my feelings of anger and resentment. The suggestion was made that I should wish for them the same things I wish for myself. I would find peace if I prayed that they found  strength and contentment.

So I'm not sure I'm at that point right now. I'm trying to get there. I have moments when I feel I've moved past the hurt. While enjoying a walk this weekend, breathing in fresh air and feeling a cool breeze that hinted of summer, I was imagined a conversation that proffered no feelings of ill will. I was so absorbed in my thoughts, I walked right past the turn that would take me back to my home. 

 There are also moments when I recall anecdotes about revenge.  I'm deciding between two statements about revenge as to my personal favorite.  The best revenge is living well. This invokes feelings of peace and positive outcomes. Moving on in a healthy direction and realizing bigger and better things to come is a desire of mine. And on a more spiteful note- the best revenge is revenge. I am not sure I would mind hearing about suffering and discord in his life. Not the kind of suffering that would be lifelong pain, I'm just looking for something to cause discomfort and regret.

In a matter of hours, my ex-husband and I went from enjoyable afternoon of lunch and pleasant conversation to a ranting lunatic in front of me. I'm trying to forgive his lapse of judgement. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I've come to realize that the outcome is probably the one that would have happened eventually. Things fall into place as part of a plan.  I'm impatient at times, waiting for the plan to come to fruition. But in the meantime, I'll work on forgiveness.

I forgive my ex for being irrational, especially when it money and his daughter.  I forgive him for being rigid and unable to make adjustments that would include me in his life, instead of keeping me alongside. I forgive him for making promises that he thought he could keep. I forgive him for his desire of material things to improve his life instead of looking inward to find what would meet his needs. I forgive him for thinking of himself first. These are all things that he had little control over; this is stuff that is hard-wired. Expressing these thoughts helps me to realize he may not have made those choices willingly. Those decisions may have been made for him as part of his plan. This is why writing it down is cathartic for me. I might find that peace and forgiveness after all.