Living with hate in your heart

Last night, I took a walk. It takes me about an hour to do three miles in my development so I have lots of time to think. I had just completed an hour long professional development for social and emotional learning. For the breakout sessions, we were tasked to discuss what do we do to love ourselves, what steps do we take to do that and what are the ingredients to a healthy relationship.

My personal struggle may be a bit backwards than most.  I already think I'm pretty awesome. I'm smart, funny, competent, thoughtful, caring. At work, I feel I am at my best. It's at home, especially during the summer, when I feel a bit lost and underwhelmed. I like having structure to guide my day. For years, my mantra has been "If I have nothing to do, I get nothing done."  So yeah, I'll work on that.

On my walk, I tried to appreciate my surroundings. I listened to the birds singing. I even turned off my music to hear them better, at least for a little while.  Then it was back to Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen. And while the songs allow me to visualize theater I've never seen, I still find time to think.

Last night in particular, I was still lamenting that we aren't in 'green' yet.  If Berks County is still in 'yellow', I can't get a pedicure. York County is green, I could go there.  And then I started to think about my next door neighbor there who wanted to have a party for her son who is five years cancer free this summer.  And then I imagine a confrontation with my ex.

I plan the conversation. I hear the words coming out of my mouth; I'm almost practicing what I will say. It's not a violent, or even loud conversation. It's a stinging list of insults that are passive-aggressive. And I mean list. How I feel sorry for him that he is a self-centered egotist. That I forgive him for that because he can't help himself. That I forgive myself for my poor judgement in marrying him. How he couldn't help it he wasn't able to adapt to allow someone else in his life. That it was wrong of me to expect him to change. That is when I realized how much hate I still carry in my heart. I know I have to wish for him the same things I wish for myself. Peace and contentment. Happiness. Comfort.

I can't wish him happiness yet. I don't wish him misery, but I'm not on board for comfort. I will start with peace. If I find my own peace, then here's hoping those other things follow.