Dream Analysis

I'm not going to go all tarot cards-mood ring-dreamcatcher on you. But there was an obvious similarity in some of the dreams I've had lately.  By getting my thoughts out of my brain, I feel freer to be consumed by other nonsense things, like arguing with my sister or planning what I am going to preserve this summer.

The theme of these dreams is past relationships that show up in modern day. (It seems to be the significant others that hung around the longest.) Here's the puzzling part.  I reach a point in each dream that I am screaming, near uncontrollably, in anger for some everyday situation. He, whichever one decided to show up that night, doesn't argue back.  I just rant like a lunatic until I can't yell anymore. It's not one of those 'reliving a past experience' dream.  I never did that.  Most know I am the passive-aggressive type.  Believe it or not, when I'm angry, I don't yell.  In fact, be very afraid if I start to speak very slowly and enunciate every syllable.  That translates to, "she's gonna blow."

So here is my analysis: I think I have harbored anger over these past relationships and haven't gotten rid of it.  So I am doing that in my dreams. 

Editing is a wonderful thing.  The above 'haven't gotten rid of it" started as "haven't had a chance to get rid of it." Yes, I've had the chance. In fact, in some cases, I've had about 17 years to get rid of it. Delete, delete, delete, delete. Then it was, "haven't really gotten rid of it".  I'm dreaming about it, so let's be real.  It's still there. Get that "really" out of there.  Delete, delete.  I haven't gotten rid of it.  Until now.

What am I so angry about? It's not that the relationship ended. In most cases, it's been my idea. Am I angry that I allowed relationships to continue longer than was healthy? Am I angry that I feel I became a person I didn't like during those relationships? I did that to myself. People treat you the way you let them. I allowed that to happen.  That's a reason to be mad. But I would be mad at myself for that. And I'm certainly not yelling at myself in those dreams. Did I feel I wasn't being heard before?

That last one feels the most right to me. I felt like I had the same discussions over and over again. In some cases, I did. I won't call them fights, because it was more of a discussion/conflict. And when you talk about the same thing over and over again with no resolution, it's frustrating. I could see where that would make me want to scream. Literally. The same discussion, the same conflict, the same ending, the same feeling of dissatisfaction. I haven't been so good at compromising. Like, not at all.  My definition of compromise means someone else agreeing to my point of view. How can I learn to compromise if I haven't figured it out already? I can study and learn anything out of a book. There's no book for this. What if I haven't learned anything from my past relationships?  What happens if I fail?  Again. Will it be different if it's with the person with whom I am supposed to spend the rest of my life? I want to think I'm wiser this time.

Back to dreams: The good news is that I have lots of happy dreams too. Well, not so much happy, but weird. I'm used to weird dreams. Just last night I had a dream that I was in a hair salon and someone gave me this thing that looked like a bar of soap but was a body bronzer.  While I'm bronzing any exposed part of my body, the owner comes over and I find out the girl who gave it to me doesn't actually work at that salon and the owner is mad that I have this bronzer thing. Then there was this embarrassing scene of me trying to sneak out without being noticed, except that I am over bronzed and the color of a shimmery clay pot. Sorry, I digress; back to ranting and raving dreams. The dreams that include ranting chaos are in the minority. I'm hoping this post allows them to become extinct.