Desperation

Over the last six days, a slight sense of desperation has clouded me. My anger over being stood up waned and I wasn't able to fully exert my initial wrath on the Dating Un-Coordinator. She said she would call Charles. A day and half later she sent me an email. She hadn't heard from him and was sorry for what happened. She still hoped nothing was wrong. I could not share that sentiment, but I did send a response about the humiliation of sitting there for an hour and my frustration at wasting an entire evening. It must have evoked enough guilt for her to call one me more time.

Being stood up was a bit like hitting my knee on my desk at school. It initially is a shock, then intense pain, then a lingering, dull throb that lasts far longer than you would expect. The dull throb is the cause of the desperation. If there had been an extenuating circumstance, I wouldn't feel so pathetic. While there are very few acceptable reasons for not calling the restaurant or calling the Dating Un-Coordinator and begging forgiveness, that might have eased the sting.

I've gone about my week, plugging away at work, spoiling my dogs with affection and belly rubs, chatting politely with neighbors. After a week of normalcy, it's almost like it never happened. Except it did. I joke and laugh about it. It's either that or cry. And one of my friends is crying enough for everyone these days.

I read a facebook post, that led to a blog, that led to another quote that struck me as important. Unfortunately, overwhelmed by social media, I'm unable to recall the source. It's better to be alone now then married and alone later. I realize that I could be married (many times over). But I don't just want a husband. I want a family. Most people assume family includes kids. My picture of family might just have the furry, four-legged kinds of kids. But I'm still holding out for a family, not just a husband. Unless I win the lottery. Then I going to buy a farm with a big house and rescue dogs. A lot of dogs.