Little Green Monster

Jealousy.  There I said it. I never thought I was the jealous type. Turns out, I was wrong.

An innocent night of helping at the school spring music concert.  Walking in, I recognize a girl who went to my high school.  She is a year younger than me, I think. I smile politely and move along as I try to recall her name. In the auditorium, half the chorus buzzing quietly in their seats, I see another former high school acquaintance.  He graduated with my sister and is a large animal vet. And a few years ago, he was back in Berks County and single.  My sister invited him to her house for dinner.  As the single (insert pathetic) sister, I am there too.  Earlier this year, I talk to his new step-daughter and find out Katie has a younger half sister. I tuck this piece of info away.  So he is bouncing toddler in the back of the auditorium to keep her quiet.  I debate going to say something to him.  What new parent doesn't want to hear how cute their kid is?  A few songs later, I see former high school acquaintance bouncing same toddler, and make the connection. 

Then the little green monster sits next to me, puts its ugly arm around me and welcomes me to its world. I'm not jealous they have a toddler.  We have covered that issue here. I'm jealous that they wouldn't have known each other in high school and are now married.  I'm jealous that she was married once, has a 12 year old, now divorced and re-married someone to start a new family. I want a family. Again, not the kid part, just the spouse part. And I'm jealous.  It's not a pretty feeling. I was shocked when I identified it. And then amazed I couldn't rationalize my way out of it.

I usually could find a way to justify my feelings or explain why I wouldn't want to be in that situation.  Each time they came into my line of sight, I felt it again. I know it is irrational.  Apparently, I am getting really good at irrational.

Here it is. I am ready to get past this. Suggestions on how to do this are welcomed.